Adoptions FAQ

Question:

Certainly not. I don’t think many adoptees believe that one. I don’t. But I would rather have been aborted than adopted.

Oh Claire, I can tell you from experience, prepare yourself for a bunch of posts from idiots who want to know why you’re ’suicidal’. We talked about a FAQ once to explain the difference between the two, but I think ultimately it became clear that it doesn’t matter what you say to try and make yourself clear, it’s like you waved a red flag in front of a bunch of mindless, raging bulls. But I know what you mean. May the Great Spirit smile on you,

And on you three times in return. Shea "You may not be who you are" http://www.alt.net/~waltj/shea/adopt.html

Response:

I have been reading alt adoption, &alt adoption agency.  There seems to be alot of anger toward couples trying to adopt or have adopted.

<snip Will our child grow up to hate us just because we adopted her/him?

I think you are confusing two very different issues. While I’ll agree that there is a lot of anger directed at many of the potential adoptive parents and adoptive parents on Usenet,(and in support groups, and in search groups, and in reform circles)  I disagree that there is widespread anger from adoptees towards *their* adoptive parents ‘for adopting them’. What you are seeing, I believe, is a lot of frustration among adoptees in particular and also birthparents, that attitudes among *some* adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents, continue to be so naive and , in some cases, ignorant. Personally, it bothers me a great deal to think that generation after generation of adoptees is stuck in this ridiculous closed adoption record cycle, with the adoptive parents as willling participants. I am angered that despite the books, research, and other information on the topic, many adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents still see searching adoptees as ‘maladjusted’ or ‘unhappy’ and lay guilt trips, consciously or unconcsiously, on their own children ensuring that yet more adoptees will feel very conflicted about wanting to search.  I grow agitated reading post after post, year after year, from adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents who just don’t seem to ‘get it’. What infuriates me even further, is that when confronted angrily by adoptees, many people spout platitudes about how us adoptees will ‘never get what we want’ if we’re not ‘nice’. We’ll never get people to listen to us if we aren’t ‘polite’, as if it is our responsibility to educate people about adoption who can’t even be bothered to crack a book (other than the ubiquitous ‘how to get the baby you want’ publications), even though they are planning on ADOPTING. Like many of the adoptees who have been here a long time, we’ve realized that being ‘nice’, explaining things ‘civilly’ just doesn’t seem to make a dent. Not that yelling gets us very far, either, but I believe it’s a result of a lot of frustration. I was looking through the adoption laws I had on my Website, and I realized that in many cases, an adoptive parent can request an original copy of their child’s birth cert during the adoption proceeding before the record is sealed, or can request that it not be sealed altogether in a very few places. But most adoptive parents don’t even look into this! They don’t even *ask*. How many of the adult adoptees here have asked their adoptive parents for ANY paperwork related to their adoption, and come up emptyhanded? Not even a copy of the final decree, not the homestudy….nothing. There is no law that prevents much of this information from being turned over by the attorney who handles the adoption for the adoptive parents. As many of us searchers know, even 30 yeras later, the attorney usually still has all the copies of the paperwork. My aparent’s attorney, who broke my search wide open, was shocked that my aparents didn’t have any paperwork. He said he’s heard that over and over, but he always gave them copies. He promptly turned over everything to me.  But most aparents didn’t keep or even ask for copies, and still DON’T bother to ask, make copies, or keep up with any of it. Obviously it’s because they don’t see the relevance of the information. But if any potential adoptive parent today does one *iota* of investigation into the feelings of adoptees about all this, I believe they would approach their adoption with a healthier attitude, and that benefits everyone. Having said all that, it is my experience that adoptees who are angry at their aparents for adopting them are few and far between, and generally it’s because their aparents are assholes. Just like some biological parents suck, some adoptive ones do too. Shea (the above remarks are generalizations. Anecdotes about how *you* are an adoptive parent, and *you* kept all *your* records, or *you* asked for them, will be met with stony silence, since this was not directed at ALL of *any* group, nor at any one person in particular) "You may not be who you are" http://www.alt.net/~waltj/shea/adopt.html

Response:

I have been reading alt adoption, &alt adoption agency.  There seems to be alot of anger toward couples trying to adopt or have adopted.  Should all bmothers keep their babies?  This week alone, 3 small children have been murdered by their bmother.  I KNOW that not all bmothers are unfit,but some are and I think the child would be better off with a family that wanted a child.  Be that family a relitive or stranger.  My husband & I would dearly love to adopt a young child and have started a home study.  Is it so wrong to want to love a child? Will our child grow up to hate us just because we adopted her/him?  I will have as much info as I can for my child and have no plans to "HIDE" the adoption. What do adoptees feel? K.

Response:

all bmothers keep their babies?  

Certainly not. I don’t think many adoptees believe that one. I don’t. But I would rather have been aborted than adopted. This week alone, 3 small children have been murdered by their bmother.  

And I was abused by my adoptive father. So what’s your point? Will our child growup to hate us just because we adopted her/him?  

I don’t hate my family. Even my dad. I love them because they *are* my family. But I do hate the situation behind my birth. I hate the society that treats me like  "the adopted child" when I’m now an adult fully capable of understanding my rights and lack thereof. I will have as much infoas I can for my child and have no plans to "HIDE" the adoption. What doadoptees feel?

Make sure the child, upon reaching maturity, has access to his/her records. Let them decide whether or not they want to find out about themselves. Just having the access will make a huge difference in the amount of headache and heartache you will both suffer later. May the Great Spirit smile on you, Claire

Response:

I have been reading alt adoption, &alt adoption agency.  There seems to be alot of anger toward couples trying to adopt or have adopted.  Should all bmothers keep their babies?  This week alone, 3 small children have been murdered by their bmother.  I KNOW that not all bmothers are unfit,but some are and I think the child would be better off with a family that wanted a child.  Be that family a relitive or stranger.  My husband & I would dearly love to adopt a young child and have started a home study.  Is it so wrong to want to love a child? Will our child grow up to hate us just because we adopted her/him?  I will have as much info as I can for my child and have no plans to "HIDE" the adoption. What do adoptees feel? K.

The anger you see is the failure of some to love an adopted child as their own, or a society that descriminate against adoptees at very young ages because they weren’t born into the family that raised them, which shouldn’t matter. If you hold nothing back and can love a child not born of your flesh with all your heart, that’s adoption.  If you can do that, go find that child you desire.  God give us the desires of our hearts to love, these desires are nothing to be ashamed of.   Celeste —    _/  Just because you’re paranoid,       _/   _/  doesn’t mean they are not out to    _/        

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have been reading alt adoption, &alt adoption agency.  There seems to be alot of anger toward couples trying to adopt or have adopted.  Should all bmothers keep their babies?  This week alone, 3 small children have been murdered by their bmother.  I KNOW that not all bmothers are unfit,but some are and I think the child would be better off with a family that wanted a child.  Be that family a relitive or stranger.  My husband & I would dearly love to adopt a young child and have started a home study.  Is it so wrong to want to love a child? Will our child grow up to hate us just because we adopted her/him?  I will have as much info as I can for my child and have no plans to "HIDE" the adoption. What do adoptees feel? K. The anger you see is the failure of some to love an adopted child as their own, or a society that descriminate against adoptees at very young ages because they weren’t born into the family that raised them, which shouldn’t matter. If you hold nothing back and can love a child not born of your flesh with all your heart, that’s adoption.  If you can do that, go find that child you desire. God give us the desires of our hearts to love, these desires are nothing to be ashamed of.   Celeste

Celeste, why don’t you get it?  Nobody has ever said it is wrong to follow your hear’ts desire to love a child.   I for one was a much loved and wanted child.  I have said this repeatedly.  Most of us in BN were loved and wanted children by our afamilies.  There was–NO LACK OF LOVE for me in my home.  I was never discriminated against as a child by society or anybody else.  THIS IS NOT THE ISSUE! The issue is legal discrimiatnion against adult adoptees who are denied legal access to their personal histories and records.  What is your problem with us being angry about being denied what the rest of the population takes for granted? Why do I even bother?   By all means necessary, Marley Founding Founding, BN The world is a bastard If you lie to me, then you don’ t trust me. ,,,,,Charlie U *****BASTARD NATION***** *****http://www.bastards.org*****

Response: